beauty within

Self-absorbing Commitments

Listening to music while doing dance performances and writing huge scholarly papers is giving me an ugly feeling.

I want to be creating this music. but yet, I’m distracted by my strong commitments to out-of-school dance companies and schoolwork. Why can’t I put more effort (or rather, all of my effort) into creating this music?

Sure, I want to succeed, but where will dancing take me? New opportunities, new people, new venues, stronger relationships with others, yes… but will that benefit me towards my own success in the long-run? Will huge scholarly college-type essays and papers aid me in my ambition towards doing music?

I guess my successes just don’t match up to what my heart actually wants. I am doing Good. but is this Good doing me good? In some ways, yes… I am concentrating, focusing, sacrificing my time… but if I really want to succeed in my ambitions, I should be putting an effort to do it. Sometimes, these commitments take over you. They’re self-absorbing.. you have no choice.

I just hope they will do me some good. and they have, but couldn’t it be my time to actually forward my ambitions? Aren’t these things just sucking life and time out of me? My time is in the here & now, wouldn’t you agree?



- random quick-type in the middle of writing my research paper -

Good night. See you in the morning (or rather, whenever I see whoever is reading this).

FormSpring (2)

From FormSpring:

I stepped into the grounds of Carondalet High today expecting the type of stereotype students that the school is notoriously known for. At first it seemed like the term “Carondaslut” was appropriate, but you quickly served as a counter-example to the definition. Not only was I impressed by the contrast in atmosphere you set compared to the other women, but with further ascertainment, I realized how incredibly gifted and respectable you really are. Thanks for helping me realize that there are still people out there who beautifully break stereotypes.

I feel flattered by whoever wrote this. What sucks is that there were a lot of people that came by and visited today, so that only makes my guessing of this writer who went incognito on me even harder. There were all of the API seniors from last year, then there were Giann and Nicole’s two YFC friends. By all means, this was quite nice of you to say. I tend to look down upon my school’s reputation and what it strives to be; we all can see that none really match up to their high expectations. I just like to act on my own better conscience and not be swayed by the actions of others.

If you have a question/comment too, go here: http://www.formspring.com/forms/?719056-4T5143XCIo

APYLP Essay Question: What do you hope to be doing in five years? In ten? How do you plan to reach these goals and what will motivate you along the way?

In five years, I am hoping I have already established the foundation for the rest of my life, as for my career, where I would want to go with it, and plans following that. I am currently pursuing the career of a musician, writer, and/or songwriter, and plan on achieving those goals by continuing my education in those fields while increasing my skills at home on my own time. I believe that every success requires a certain degree of effort, but what will motivate me along the way is my personal well-being, which are the things that keep me happiest - my love for the game, and the family and friends who love me back. I strongly believe in choosing a career path that I feel very passionate about, and one in which I know I will never deny nor regret trying to succeed in. Having a passion for something means you will always love it no matter what circumstances it may bring, thus the efforts, the hardships, and the challenges will all be something I will need to overcome. My own perseverance and desire for this lifestyle will keep me pushing for that goal; but, in the end, my family and friends are the ones who will motivate me the most. Though I have always been very reserved, I want to be able to make my family and friends proud of what I may bring to the table. I have always wanted to inspire young and old alike to act on their better consciences, and by promoting and being that good example for these people, I can both impact somebody and have fun doing it at the same time. Though I have to be honest, I am a big dreamer and my laziness does overtake me at times, I believe the more and more I get out there and do something, the more and more I will come back, simply because I enjoyed doing it.

Lazy Eye, Spirit High

I am tired. But I am content.

When I get tired, I resort to rest. Isn’t that what we all do?

When I rest, I get lazy… and when I get lazy, I eat and watch tv. No physical work on the eyes on this blasphemous computer screen or hands!!

Just lazy comfort food and old girly romance films.. romantic comedies.

I find the more I do what I always so much loved doing, the more content I am.

I’m sure anyone can agree..

I’m really tired right now as I’m writing this. I’m not putting any thought into this, really… just getting what I have to say out there.

I’m such a hopeless romantic. I can’t wait to find love. but funny how reality strikes me and I haven’t met one single person that intrigues me one bit. that catches my attention. But then again, I’m too young. and high school boys are even younger in their mindsets. I can wait. but waiting has always killed me, as it is proven in my wait for showcasing my love for music. but some things are worth waiting for, right? Especially in your youth.

I forgot all about how much more worth it is without killing time on the computer with myspace or facebook. I think I’m going to use it more strictly for my music now… I’d rather have people talk to me then type with me. I can’t believe I’m stating that now when I’ve thought that thought since freshman year. and possibly even before. and it has worked… I definitely talk to ppl more than I used to haha.. but I’m still that stupid little shy girl I am.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. Sometimes, you can sound so stupid when you reveal your thoughts that are un-thought about. See, un-thought isn’t even a word. lol. Sometimes you look back on your readings and say, why did I ever post that? Even if it was only a day ago.

It was just 11:11pm. I just made a wish. I just want to find my true love, to achieve and succeed through all my musical dreams, and create stronger relationships with my family and friends. That is all I will ever need. Love, Achieved Dreams, and Relationships.

Anywhoo.. where was I? I don’t remember. and I don’t really care to look above at what I just wrote.

I love feeling warm and lazy and staying at home finally having some personal space.. it feels nice. especially from the kind of person I am and what nature I am from. if that made any sense.

Life is spent well if you aren’t too dependent on this thing.

I’m going to live well.

At least, I hope so. I plan on doing so. I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess this just calls for a change of habit. Sort of some kind of new years resolution that I sometimes always forget what I wrote about.


I am going to improve myself as a person. I am going to grow. I am going to finally open up. I am going to try my best to say more, talk more, and be friendly. thus I will need to get more sleep and stay healthy, because most of my inactivity and laziness to make an effort to do something is due to these uninspired and sleepy mornings/days at school. I am not going to be as insecure. I am going to indulge myself in those things I seem to have lost a little of. My old loves. Welcome them back, and don’t be afraid to admit I like those things.

Then again, I could get lazy and this could just be another spur of the moment thing, but let me be reminded. I will try my best. I am just going to live, try my best to set my mind apart from that ever-increasing want to be “there” already… “brontosaurus tracks relax” <- as quoted in Alexis’ tumblr since she made one, and I never have really thought about.

Quit being so serious Rachel. Just live. get sleep, rest, go be lazy at home for your own personal space, but be out in the open at the same time. but always be who you always were. Don’t change, but rather improve.

^
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the above isn’t a change, but rather, a reminder.

(edit:) oh and one more thing. Maybe I should add: Don’t think too much. hmmm

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

I’d rather be an example of my faith than a follower.

“Hollywood is a place where they’ll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.”
- Marilyn Monroe